Ep.33 Forgiveness

In this episode, Marc explores the timeless truth about forgiveness and how it frees us from emotional and physical pain. Whether you're struggling with resentment or seeking peace, learn practical steps to move from hurt to healing and reclaim your energy.Key topics:

• The universal teachings on forgiveness across religions and philosophies
• How holding onto anger impacts your body and mind
• The four-stage framework of genuine forgiveness: Hate, Hurt, Healing, Release
• Why closure often comes from within, not from others
• The importance of boundaries and forgiving yourself
• Practical tips for forgiving family, friends, colleagues, and even yourself
• How forgiveness leads to emotional liberation and improved health

Transcript

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Welcome back to Hold On Tight episode 33. Today we are talking about forgiveness. If you're like most people listening right now, there's probably someone in your life you still haven't forgiven. And forgiveness isn't some new self-help concept. It's one of the oldest teachings humanity has ever talked about. Across religion, philosophies, and cultures that existed thousands of years apart, they all landed on the same idea. Forgiveness frees the person doing the forgiving. In Christianity, forgiveness is one of the central teachings. Jesus talked about forgiving not just once, but seventy-seven times. I think I heard that about seventy-seven times growing up from my mother. Not because people deserve endless chances, but because holding onto resentment poisons your own heart. In Buddhism, forgiveness is tied deeply to suffering. Buddha taught that anger is like holding a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else, but you're the one getting burned. In Hindu teachings, forgiveness is considered one of the highest virtues a human can practice. It's believed that anger and resentment bind us to suffering, while forgiveness allows the mind to become peaceful and free. Even ancient stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius talked about this thousands of years ago. He wrote that when someone does someone wrong, it's often because they don't know any better, because they are operating from their own limitations, their own wounds, their own lack of awareness. When you really step back and think about it, it's it's fascinating. Different civilizations, different religions, different parts of the world, thousands of years apart, yet they all arrived really at the same truth. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about freeing yourself. But here's the problem. Understanding forgiveness intellectually and actually doing it are two very different things. Because when someone hurts you deeply, when someone you trusted breaks your heart, when someone leaves without explaining why, forgiveness suddenly becomes a lot harder than a quote on a wall. Today I want to talk about forgiveness, what it actually means, why it's so hard, why our brains struggle with it, and how we can actually move through it step by step. Because forgiveness isn't weakness, and it's definitely not pretending something didn't hurt. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things a human being can do. And if you learn to practice it, it might be one of the most freeing things that you ever experience in your life. But let's be honest about something. When someone hurts you, really hurts you, it changes you. It changes the way you trust, it changes the way you see people, it changes the way you see the world. You replay conversations, you replay moments, you replay the day, everything shifted. You sit there wondering, how did we get here? You want answers, you want accountability, you want closure, and sometimes you're never gonna get it. That's one of the hardest truths in life. Not every story gets a clean ending. Sometimes people leave in the middle of the chapter, sometimes people walk out without explaining themselves. Sometimes the apology you deserve never comes. But here's something interesting about our human brain. Our brains are wired for stories with endings. And think about it. Every movie has an ending, every book has a final chapter, every story we grew up hearing had a resolution. Our brains crave completion. Psychologists talk about this. The mind hates unfinished stories. So when something ends suddenly, when someone disappears, when someone hurts you and never explains why, your brain keeps searching. It keeps replaying moments, it keeps trying to solve the mystery, it keeps asking, what the fuck happened? What did I miss? What was real? Your mind keeps trying to write that final chapter. And sometimes that search can go on for months, even years. You analyze those conversations, you revisit those memories, you look for those patterns, you try to piece together the ending that never came. But here's the difficult truth. Sometimes closure doesn't come from the other person. Sometimes closure is something you have to create yourself. Because if you keep waiting for someone else to finish the story, you stay stuck inside it. Forgiveness is what allows you to close the book, not because you got the explanation you wanted, but because you decide you're done letting the unanswered questions control your life. If you're not careful, you build a home inside that pain. You carry it everywhere, into your relationships, into your work, into your friendships, into your sleep, and slowly without realizing it, the person who hurt you is still controlling your life. That's the trap, that's the prison. Holding on to anger doesn't just hurt you emotionally, it hurts you physically. Your nervous system stays on high alert, your brain keeps replaying the threat, stress hormones stay elevated, your sleep suffers, your immune system weakens, your digestion changes, your blood pressure rises, your body literally behaves like the danger is still happening even years later. Because to your brain, it is. That resentment, that story playing on repeat, it lives inside your body. And it's exhausting. A lot of people walk around wondering why they feel anxious all the time, why they feel drained, why they feel heavy. And they don't realize they're still carrying around emotional weight from something that happened months or years ago. Or I know some people decades ago. Forgiveness is how you unlock that door. Forgiveness isn't just emotional, it's biological. Forgiveness calms the nervous system, forgiveness lowers stress, forgiveness improves sleep, forgiveness improves mental clarity. Forgiveness literally helps your body return to a state of safety. It's one of the most powerful things you can do for your mental and physical health. But here's the thing you don't snap your fingers and forgive someone. There's a process, there's a framework that I love that describes forgiveness in four stages. And if you've ever been deeply hurt, you'll recognize every one of them. The first stage is a big word, it's a dirty word. It's hate. Now, the word hate makes people uncomfortable. When someone deeply hurts you, the first thing that shows up is anger, resentment, maybe even rage. And most people are taught to skip this stage. They're told, don't be angry, be the bigger person, just forgive. But real forgiveness requires letting yourself feel that anger. Let it burn. Because if you bury that anger, it doesn't disappear. It turns into bitterness, and bitterness will poison your life. So the first stage of forgiveness is acknowledging the truth. You're angry, you're hurt, and you have every right to feel that way. But if you sit with that anger long enough, you realize something. Underneath anger is pain. And that stage too is the hurt. This is the stage most people avoid because anger feels powerful. It's measurable. But hurt feels vulnerable. Hurt is the moment you finally admit that broke my heart, that mattered to me, that loss was real. And for many people, that is the hardest part. Because it means facing the truth that somebody you believed in ended. Or something you trusted broke. But pain that is felt can move through you. Pain that is buried stays trapped inside you. Eventually something begins to shift. You gain perspective, you start seeing the situation more clearly, and that brings us to stage three. Healing. This is where something important happens. You begin to realize something about people. Sometimes the people who hurt you simply weren't equipped to love you or honor you the way you deserved. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but it explains the limitation. Some people never learned how to communicate. Some people grew up around chaos. Some people panic when relationships become emotionally real. Some people sabotage love because deep down they don't believe they deserve it. But you know what? They do. Some people carry trauma that makes intimacy terrifying. And sometimes you just happen to love someone who didn't have the emotional tools to meet you where you were. They weren't necessarily malicious. They weren't necessarily trying to destroy you. They were just operating with the tools they had. And sometimes those tools weren't enough. That realization doesn't erase the pain, though, but it creates space for compassion. Because you stop seeing the situation as a rejection of your worth. And you start seeing it as a reflection of their capacity. Eventually you reach the final stage. Stage four, release. Some people describe this stage as coming together or integration, but what it really means is this. You stop carrying the story, you stop needing revenge, you stop needing the apology that never came, you stop needing validation, you stop needing them to finally understand what they did. You let it go. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. Now here's something else that's important. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You can forgive someone, and if you choose, never allow them back into your life. You can forgive someone and still hold boundaries. You can forgive someone and still recognize they are not safe for you. Forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship continues. Sometimes forgiveness means that relationship ends, and that's okay. Some people are meant to be part of your story, but not the rest of it. And that can be sometimes a tough pill to swallow and accept. But here's another hard truth. Sometimes the person you need to forgive the most is yourself for staying too long, for ignoring red flags, for believing in a future that never happened. But loving deeply isn't weakness, it's courage. The people who risk their hearts, the people who show up fully, the people who believe in connection, those are people actually living. Yeah, sometimes they get hurt, but they also experience something most people never do. Real love, real vulnerability, real connection, and that's something to be proud of. Forgiveness allows you to keep your heart open without letting the past poison your future. Because bitterness is heavy, man. It drains your fucking energy, it makes you cynical and mean, it makes you assume the worst in people. And over time, it can turn you into someone you don't even recognize. Forgiveness protects you from that. It allows you to say, yeah, you hurt me. But yeah, that changed me. But it doesn't get to define the rest of my life. So if you're out there right now holding on to anger, holding on to resentment, holding on to a story that didn't end the way you hoped, I understand. But eventually you have to make a decision. Do you want to be right or do you want to be free? Because those two things don't always go together. And the moment you choose freedom, the moment you say, I'm done carrying this, that's when healing really begins. Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it absolutely changes the future. And sometimes that's the most powerful thing you can do. Let go. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. Before we wrap this up, I want to leave you with one final thought about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't something you do for the person who hurt you. It's something you do so that pain doesn't become the thing that defines the rest of your life. Because the truth is, life moves fast. People come into our lives, people leave our lives, relationships begin, relationships end. And sometimes we spend so much time replaying the past that we forgot the most important thing. We're still here. We still get another chapter. We still get another chance to love. We still get another chance to grow. And every time you forgive, you reclaim a piece of your energy. You reclaim a piece of your peace. You reclaim a piece of your future. You stop living in the moment where you were hurt, and you start living in the life that's still unfolding in front of you. Nobody gets out of this life without being hurt. Nobody gets out of this life without hurting someone along the way. We're human, we're flawed, we're learning as we go. So forgive the family member who lied to you. Forgive the parent who wasn't there when you needed them to be. Forgive the boss who passed you over for the promotion. Forgive the coworker who took credit for your work. Forgive the friend who stopped showing up. Forgive the friend who didn't invite you to the party. Forgive the person who talked behind your back. Forgive the person who ghosted you. Forgive the partner who broke your heart. Forgive the person who walked away without explaining why. Forgive the person who simply wasn't equipped to love you the way you deserved. Not because they earned it, but because you're done carrying it. Because you deserve peace, because you deserve freedom. Because that life that's waiting for you ahead deserves more of your energy than the pain behind you. And if you can learn to forgive, you'll walk through this world lighter than most people. Less anger, less resentment, less weight, more peace, more freedom, more life. So wherever you are right now, just remember this. Life is short, time moves fast, and the people in your life matter. They won't be here forever. So forgive when you can. Protect your peace. Keep growing. Tell someone you forgive them. I forgive you. Tell someone you love them. And until next time, let's fucking go.